you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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