I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
