He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
