I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drunk is a universal language darling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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