am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
