I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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