Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
