so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
