Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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