Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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