Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
