Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
