There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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