I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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