If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize