I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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