Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
