Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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