I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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