last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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