He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
