it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
