I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
