i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
