TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
