I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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