True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize