you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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