My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
