i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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