Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
