I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
