I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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