I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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