We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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