you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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