He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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