did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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