Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
