I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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