I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
