Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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