ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
