So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
