You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
