Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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