D3 body, D1 cock
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
