I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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