at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
