I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
