he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
