I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
