life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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