I just pynch a tree in the face
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
