Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
