the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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