i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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