i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
