i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
